Tuesday, May 10, 2011

What should I stock in my cellar for the Zombie Apocalypse?

This ain't no nuclear holocaust. We cannot prepare in the same way as such. We can't go with our neighbors shopping, laughing about the impending doom, not actually thinking it'll happen. Because this will happen. And we don't know who will be a zombie or what information from their past life the will retain. We must assume the worst, and that they may retain information about you. Similarly, in the event of the impending doom, sanity can and will fly out the window and fellow humans may resort to attacking each other. NEVER TELL ANOTHER PERSON WHAT YOUR APOCALYPSE PLANS ARE.

Build yourself a safe zone.Build it safe enough for several human-sized objects to be hurled at it without moving. Make it impenetrable to claws, bites, crowbars, vehicles, meteorites, earthquakes, tsunamis following earthquakes, monsoons, alien attacks, airborne syphilis, and just for shiggles, rabid bunnies. A large concrete dome with a steel door sounds about right. Preferably underground. Deep underground. Somewhere no one knows. No one. Like that cave you found with your buds that have all moved away since then and have died and/or have amnesia.

Now, Tallahassee from Zombieland may have had an undying and scary affinity for Twinkies, but they are not the best food to save up. Twinkies are high in fat and sugar and other bad things. However, fruits, veggies,  and other assorted healthy things will spoil and go bad, and could possibly be detrimental the the virus-ridden Zombies anyway. What you need to something with enough preservatives to be edible for a very long time. Similarly, you do not want preservatives to get into the zombies, and preserving their flesh will probably prolong their lifespan and therefor shorten yours.  By both harding preservatives and eating them, you will increase your chance of survival. STOCK UP NOW.

Weapons. Lots and lots of weapons. Bludgeon weapons are the hardest to hurt yourself with accidentally, and require the least amount of training. Guns are nice for range, but will always run out of ammo eventually. I'd advise a nice bat, mace, or sword, if you can find one. Keep it sharp.


  1. Where to begin, Clarisse...
    1. You should consider a negative word in the "reactions" boxes, it will make things more realistic and give me a choice I want to choose.
    2. Do you proofread?
    3. Can you proofread?
    4. Noting (2) and (3), do you know what lack of editing does to credibility? “This ain't no nuclear holocaust. We cannot prepare in the same way as such. We can't go with our neighbors shopping, laughing about the impending doom, not actually thinking it'll happen. Because this will happen.” I can’t even… there is so much wrong just in the opening.
    5. PRIORITY ONE Safety
    I would be willing to imagine that there is fairly limited space for this sort of thing… and since you are putting this out for as many people to survive as possible, open real estate is going to get really scarce quite quickly. That will make secrecy a bit difficult once you start seeing other people’s domes. As for advising people to make concrete domes with steel doors… if everyone has the same blue prints, they everyone will know a safe zone as soon as they see it. Now that doesn’t see so secret or safe. Also, “shiggles”? Remember what I said about credibility?
    6. PRIORITY TWO: Food
    Baked Lay’s really aren’t all that much better than twinkies. You really ought to be advising the people to go with canned goods. Not only do they last a while, but there are healthy options. “However, fruits, veggies, and other assorted healthy things will spoil and go bad, and could possibly be detrimental the the virus-ridden Zombies anyway. What you need to something with enough preservatives to be edible for a very long time.” Here you give me the impression that rotten fruit/vegetables would be harmful to the zombies, calling them “detrimental.” Why not advise us to use this fact to our advantage? Leave out fruits and vegetables for the zombies to eat if they are detrimental. And tell me, how does one “hard” something?
    7. PRIORITY THREE: Defence
    A swing and a miss makes it quite easy to hurt yourself accidentally with a bludgeon weapon. Guns are really the way to go, though yes ammo supplies will diminish with time (hey! you got something correct!). That’s when we need to make more ranged weapons, such as bows. Anything that can be thrown is also a good idea. Bludgeon weapons have such short range that in the end they become a huge issue. I don’t think anyone really wants to be in such close proximity to a zombie since they are a slight bit on the resilient side.

    You know… I don’t think you know what you are doing. You should let Ellie do the writing.


  2. Dear ufkjfukf, or 'Dumbass...', as you seemed to sign your comment,
    1. I could and would post a 'negative' word in the reactions box, but I hadn't paid enough attention to notice its existence.
    2. No.
    3. Prolly. However, in my dayquil-imposed high, it seems like a very unlikely possibility.
    4. Clearly, you have not read enough speculative fiction, or else become educated on the science of predicting the nuclear holocaust. Maybe you should read up on several prominent authors such as Pat Frank, Harlan Ellison, Issac Asimov, Ray Bradbury, and many others.
    5. We have never said that surviving the nuclear holocaust would be easy. It comes more naturally to some than to others. Just because you are jealous that you did not come up with this idea, and have found that your perfect spot has, in fact, already been bought by Ellie and I, does not give you the right to discredit our ideas. And 'shiggles' is in fact a word. I've had professors at the Georgia Institute of Technology use it a word.
    6. Clearly, you did not fully understand. Healthy foods, and vitamins, good enzymes, for a normal person will help their immune systems fight viruses and bacteria. Now, these people's brains are mush, so curing their bodies will only prolong the... mushiness. Obviously, fruit and vegetables are good for Zombies, as it will heal its body. You will have to excuse my typos, and I am still feeling quite good after this large dose of medicine.
    7)Clearly, you've never been pistol whipped. I suggest you go down to the nearest street corner in Downtown Atlanta dressing a all white and a very pointy hat. Then you will understand that guns are just as good at bludgeoning people as a bat. Bows are an absolutely wonderful idea, however, when you break all your fancy store-bought arrows, please proceed to up-ing your Fletching skill.

    Also, Ellie is quite a wonderful person, no? She just sometimes has trouble finding time to write because of her training. She's only a 4th level Zombie killer, whereas I'm a 9th. She has been working very very hard training on several simulations--you might know them as 'Left for Dead', 'Dead Rising', 'Cold Fear' and 'Farmville.'


  3. Dear ufkjfukf,
    Thank you so much for your feedback. Obviously, our blog is to be taken 100% seriously, so we appreciate you pointing out any mistakes, as we would hate to misinform the public. Just a few questions though...
    1)Do YOU proof read? Under number 5 you said, "Now that doesn’t see so secret or safe." I think you meant to say "seem" instead of "see". This is the sort of error that my grade school age sibling could have fixed. Also, there is a huge error in the sentence, if everyone has the same blue prints, they everyone will know a safe zone as soon as they see it. This sentence is made unclear by typos, but if you meant to say, "if everyone has the same blue prints, thy will know a safe zone as soon as they see it," then you misuse pronouns. You first said "everyone" but then used "they" to refer to the previously mentioned "everyone". This of course is a beginners mistake in writing, as anyone is singular, and they is plural. But enough about your incompetence in grammar.
    ufkjfukf, in your response you suggested using objects that can be thrown as defense instead of blunt objects. This, to use a very colloquial term, is retarded. Have you ever tried to fend off a pack of hungry zombies with nothing but a book bag full of socks? It's extremely difficult, even for someone with good aim. Swinging a blunt object allows one to do damage quickly and effciently, and a blunt object can be swung around the body so as to defend all 360 degrees of yourself.


  4. Clarisse,
    “Dumbass” was not a signature, but a rather crude insult aimed at you. In regards to (3), drug impairment is, again, another slam to credibility (see Sigmund Freud). As for (4), you have missed the point. I was merely questioning your knowledge of the English language. I wonder, are you foreign? You say you (have) attended the Georgia Institute of Technology. Upon reading this I am curious as you your performance at such a critically acclaimed university. In number 6, I am unsure of why “these people’s brains are mush”… No matter. By your asking me to excuse typos, I understand any confusion to be a direct result of such miscommunications (it doesn’t help you to bring up the drugs again). Now if the zombie chasing you is hungry enough, I suppose a pistol whip wouldn’t be too terribly effect, not to mention how close you would be to the foul being. And you are correct. Larger guns would be effect even once ammo stores have been depleted. That aside, I still think it best to consider a ranged alternatives to guns. People have made arrows in the past, and there is no reason why it can’t be done again.

    I’m sorry for not catching my mistakes throughout my comment. I appreciate your taking the time to read through it and to give me the criticism that you did. I shall try to be more careful in the future.
    I agree with you that a book bag full of socks would be “retarded.” This is not that Humans vs. Zombies game that frequents college campuses. This is real life. Projectiles that would carry a large amount of momentum are what would be needed in this event. Of course, if you are in close quarters with a zombie, blunt objects are the best choice. I was mainly wishing to point out that we need ranged weapons to keep from placing ourselves in unfavorable range of a zombie. Limiting ourselves to swinging a blunt object is basically inviting a zombie to come within 6 feet of you.

  5. Dear ufkjfukf, if that is your real name,

    I would suggest not signing comments by an insult aimed at certain people. There are readers out there that may be confused.
    I honestly hope that by quoting Freud, you are not implying that you are my son and wish to have intercourse with me. I am too young to be having a son old enough to wish for these things, and believe such things are morally wrong.
    Clearly, I am foreign, because I have the audacity and arrogance to put seeming random 'u's in words that Webster thought it unnecessary to do so. Thank you for asking!
    If you knew anything about Tech, as we so affectionately refer to it, you would know the lack of importance we place on such things as 'English' or grammar. Clearly, you are unworthy to be judged by these standards, and need to re-prioritize.
    The only reason to be ranging Zombies is if a large number of them were storming your flimsy shelter, or else you like killing for sport. If this is the case, I'm sure more than Freud would have something to say, and I'm sure there are a number of nice hospitals that will take you in. If you are prepared, as Ellie and I are, there is no need to be sniping Zombies, and you should only act out of self defense.
    I have no question that people have made arrows by hand in previous times. I was merely commenting on the fact that, because you obviously aren't up to Tech standards, you have to realize that fletching is a rather precise science. I am not suggesting, however, that you should not partake in it, because you'll be one less human I have to worry about trying to get into my concrete dome.
    As far as Humans vs Zombies, I have quite an extensive knowledge of the game, and how it is supposed to represent the Zombie Apocalypse. Socks are used to represent grenades filled with a zombie-killing gas whose formula is known only to the Moderators and Admins of the game. They do not wish to hint at its true power, so it simply 'stuns' the zombie. That is why a good player throws them and runs.
    Hopefully you will not be inviting a Zombie within 6 feet of you, and will be running.

    Similarly, if you are looking for credibility on the internet, on a blog, on a free site, on a blog about Zombies, maybe you need to rethink your strategy.

    Wishing you the best in Zombie Hunting,